Grammatical Erotica: Tips for Sexing Up Prose

I come not to correct grammar, but to offer four basic points of advice for invigorating prose--a quadruple dose of verbal Viagra.

Here, now, for those who slept through Composition 101, let me offer some advice on writing that will never show up in a high school classroom.

Note: Each of the following four points will be developed in a subsequent post.

I. To write sexy, potent, thong-dropping prose, deploy strong verbs.

II. Become master of all the forms of punctuation.

III. To allure in prose, create original metaphors, as metaphor is to literal language what eroticism is to sex.

IV. Our writing style should vary according to mood, context, and subject just as our style of lovemaking should vary.